The Creature Commandos! Part 9! (WWT #111)

This is a Very Special Issue, in that it's a crossover between the Creature Commandos and the star of Weird War Tales' other regular feature, GI Robot. It's also the first full-issue CC story since WWT #100. Like the Creature Commandos, the story behind GI Robot is a simple one: He's J.A.K.E. (Jungle Automatic Killer, Experimental), a mute combat robot way, way ahead of his time, partnered with Marine Sgt. Coker for various escapades in the Pacific theater. He's got weapons built into his hands, super robot strength, and, deep down inside, the heart of a real American hero.

Er, that is... Anyway, we start off with J.A.K.E. and Coker wading through the jungle on the tiny Pacific isle of Tattu, when they run into a Japanese ambush. Coker is wounded and has to be ferried to a hospital, and J.A.K.E. swims after his transport, unwilling to leave his friend's side. There's this whole robo-racism angle in GI Robot stories, where nobody thinks J.A.K.E. has (or can have) feelings or emotions, but that's totally just because he doesn't talk. Even Coker was essentially the kiddie version of Shrieve, always non-maliciously insulting J.A.K.E.'s intelligence and emotional capacity.

If anything, it reminds me of Doc Magnus' relationship with Platinum. I doubt this was intentional, but it's probably no coincidence that both the Metal Men and GI Robot were written and created by Bob Kanigher.

Meanwhile, at a Parisian children's hospital, Shrieve is doing what he does best: shaming, insulting, and demeaning the monsters in his thrall. The CCs are there to put on a show for the kids: a freak show, naturally. Sure, the kids are more astonished than afraid or repulsed, but I really don't think this is helping any of these guys' body image issues. The table is turned when Rhodes shows off her snakes, though, as the kids burst into laughter when Shrieve is frightened by them.

I guess it's nice to know that, despite Shrieve having nothing to do with her, uh, condition, Rhodes shares the others' open contempt for him. Looks like she's gonna fit in just fine. Oh, and she's been consistently referred to as "Dr. Medusa", but that name can eat me; none of the others have codenames.

Shrieve is later called in for a mission briefing by a special ops CO. Tattu is of vital significance to the Pacific theater, he says, but allied marines aren't making any headway. They've tried to send ships full of reinforcements, but each one was sunk on the way, just after reporting an unknown bogie. And these couldn't have been enemy ships or planes, because the allied ships would have detected and recognized them.

The CCs are to be flown out to a fleet near Tattu, where they'll find the UFO and destroy it any way they can. Uh, I think this guy doesn't really get what the CCs do; they're capable of a lot, but fighting a ship-sinking mystery airship?

Back with the CCs, who are all hanging out because it's not like they have any other friends. Shrieve pulls up in a jeep, which they pile into as they head off on the mission.

It turns out they literally only had the plane waiting for them, as they crew it themselves, with Shrieve piloting, Griffith and Lucky as gunners, etc. Griffith spots J.A.K.E., still swimming after the sub carrying Coker, in the water below, but dismisses it as his eyes playing tricks on him because nobody could be swimming this far from land

And then a giant pteranodon attacks. It looks like Tattu is close to Dinosaur Island, because they're in dino country again. Rhodes takes the giant flying lizard's appearance in stride

Velcro does what is basically the coolest thing he could possibly do: he feeds it a grenade in bat form.

The plane's in such bad shape from the attack that it goes down into the drink. The CCs swim towards their rubber raft (after Velcro, no joke, drinks pteranodon blood), only to find J.A.K.E. in it. They think he's hostile until he blasts away a giant pleisiosaur that was coming up behind them. Shrieve bemoans that the mission was a bust, but their objective ends up coming to them.

It sucks their raft inside, then submerges below the depths again. As it happens, Rhodes feels very attached to J.A.K.E., thinking him the closest thing to a man who isn't disgusted by her. Lucky, however, has a crush on her that he obviously can't voice. As if this guy needed another thing to be sad about. Anyway, looking out a window (or porthole I guess), they see the spinny crown has descended to a city in a giant air pocket, which obviously has to be Atlantis.Velcro and Rhodes trade theories about why Atlantis is under the Pacific, but Shrieve is more concerned with the giant honking rockets near the crown's eventual landing site.

It turns out Atlanteans are kind of Mayans, and that this is "Atlantis II", to which Atlanteans retreated as their land sank. Atlantis II also sank, but they were ready for it this time. Man, for an advanced culture they pick the crappiest land to live on. The attacks on allied ships are part of a revenge plot against Atlantis' enemies, with the Atlanteans not realizing that all their enemies are long dead now. The head Atlantean isn't hearing it, declaring the CCs monsters and enemies of the state, which starts a huge brawl. Lucky knocks the leader's head off and it turns out they're all robots.

The leader says that Atlantean scientists learned to build incredibly sophisticated robots, and this is the result: a master race, superior to humans, destined to rule the world. As this is revealed, J.A.K.E. seems to turn traitor, firing on the CCs. He herds them back into the crown on the head Atlantean's orders, and guides those rockets I mentioned earlier towards the American fleet... or does he?

He was just pretending to betray the CCs; he ejects them along with a life raft and drives the missiles into the ocean, blowing himself to bits in the process. Man, it's a real shame, I bet he and Lucky would have had a lot to talk about if they could talk. 

His sacrifice is undermined somewhat, though, by a caption that reveals another J.A.K.E. is ready for action by next issue.

The Senses-Shattering Saga of the Metal Men! Part 9!

I've mentioned this before, but just about every issue of this comic feeds directly into the next; #8 was the first of a two-part story featuring Billy the blind kid, for instance. Well, you may remember the Metal Men (sans Tin) being placed in a smelting pool and emerging combined as Alloy last issue. Uh, they're still combined at the start of this one.

And, evidently, this somehow entails the return of the Gas Gang. Because of course it does. Also, it's lucky Tin isn't part of Alloy, I imagine that means he'll save the day somehow.

Did their nametags move since #6? It really is cool to see these guys again, though, I have to say; recurring villains are a good thing, I've been getting a little sick of the one-offs like the Solar Brain or the Tin Amazons. Also, I'm going to mostly refer to the alloy form as Alloy for the sake of convenience.

There's a recap that brings new readers up to speed. You may remember Alloy being big enough to fight the robot roller juggernauts, but apparently the combined Metal Men can shift size like Giant Man, because they fit into the rocket home okay and are only slightly taller than Doc here.

I seem to remember Platinum and Mercury being the whole legs last issue, but here they're just the hips. Uh, whatever. They're also the two least comfortable with the Alloy form; Mercury hates being situated so close to Platinum, and Platinum... well she mostly hates being rebuffed by Doc, which happens a couple times in this scene. Oh, and Doc starts calling Platinum a "robette". I find that hilarious and can only hope that continues.

Alloy is sent to the Metal Recovery Room while Doc and Tin do research on how to separate them. Gold takes the chance to take in some reading, Lead and Iron play cards, Mercury's temper continues to flare, and Platinum is fuming at Doc. This isn't helped when Doc's latest girlfriend shows up to visit him. Platinum maliciously trips her, but is chewed out by Doc. However, she notes to the others that Doc can't be looking into separating them and entertaining this lady at the same time. This causes them to take matters into their own hands and just jump into a smelting pool.

It turns out Doc went on a dancing date with that woman, but it ends badly when she accuses him of caring more about his Metal Men than her. Wait, didn't Platinum accuse him of the opposite? So he returns to the lab, and a worried Tin takes him to the smelting pool to check on the impromptu alloy separation.

It turns out that, much like the moon microbes from #3, there were unknown alien elements involved in forming Alloy, and combining them with the heat of the smelting pool is making the Metal Men's bodies freak out. Seriously, they're horrifying. And it's not just their bodies; when Doc tries to talk to them (with Tin shielding him from the heat and splashing molten slag), they act like they've never met him or Tin before.

Crazy Alloy leaves the pool and smashes through a wall, laughing as they head into the night. Doc and Tin give chase via tin Gadget Copter, and catches up with them. Alloy is juggling two of Doc's rockets, which collide and explode, knocking Doc out with the blast. After Tin turns into a parachute to get Doc safely to the ground, Platinum picks them up and pins them to her hat, thinking they're a cute accessory. No, for real.

The Air Force shows up to investigate the explosion, with pilots deciding to investigate the crazed Alloy (whom they take for a twisted prototype, unwilling to believe these are the real Metal Men. Awww.) I'm getting a King Kong vibe here, and that ended badly for both a lot of the pilots and the big monster. As the planes swoop in to get a closer look, the Metal Men defend themselves from what they interpret as an attack.

Some pilots get caught in Alloy's anti-air defenses, but eject before they can get hurt. Those still in the air receive orders to fire missiles at the loony robot/s, but Alloy has this covered, too; Gold commands Lead and Iron to form a blast shield, which admirably absorbs the blast/s. However, Tin and Doc are knocked loose from Platinum's hat and escape back to the lab. 

There, they head to the little museum of bad guys the Metal Men have faced (really), for reasons Doc won't explain at first. It turns out he's trying to figure out who can stop Alloy. He settles on the Gas Gang, which is handy because they're the only ones he could possibly contact and/or recreate, being that he made them the first time anyway. As he brings the Gas Gang back to life, Doc weeps that he knows no other way out of this than to destroy his beloved Metal Men.

It's vaguely suggested that the Gas Gang are more or less inherently evil, and that just begs the question: What happens after they 'destroy' the Metal Men, exactly? Who's to stop them? The Gas Gang goes outside for the climactic battle, and the Metal Men seem to be coming to their senses a little, as they remember both the Gas Gang and Doc now.

As the Gas Gang manhandles the combined Metal Men, Tin is torn between his friends and Doc -- he can't just stand there while the Gas Gang messes them up, can he? Anyway, the fight is over soon enough when Carbon Dioxide freezes Alloy solid. They're brought back to Doc's lab, where they get bombarded with electrical currents to destroy the "hostile elements" that they were alloyed with. The Gas Gang turns on Doc, knocking him out, but the cured Alloy tears them to pieces. When Doc comes to, everyone's back to their normal selves, separated from the alloy form

It all started with the Big Bang! Part 9 (Issue #12)

Skipping more issues BECAUSE I CAN. Also, I kind of wanted to get to this, the start of a Savage Dragon crossover, right away. I'm no massive fan of Dragon, I've read little of his comic, but I watched the cartoon as a kid, I enjoy what I've read of it, and I think I understand Dragon's character more or less.

Similar to the Knights of Justice origin issue, this one comes with a pre-packaged gimmick, and as such it's a really goddamn amazing comic. Basically, Dragon warps back and forth between various eras, and his encounters in those eras are based on the comics that were around at the time. Each story has its own art style, too.

The story gets underway with a secret meeting of the Society of Evil Minds, the equivalent of the Monster Society of Evil. Its members include Hy Q. Binana, Cortex, the Wicked Worm (who survived his bisection in BB #1 and is now, uh, two worms), and two new guys: Baron Brain and Dr. Nirvana, Mighty Man's archenemy. The art here is really emphasizing the Sivana angle for not just Binana and Nirvana, but also Cortex

So this is taking place on Earth A, with Binana still able to travel between the worlds at his leisure. Although I guess this takes place before the Criss-Cross Crisis storyline. Of course, I have to wonder why he would bother at all if their plan couldn't affect Thunder Girl. Anyway, the Wicked Worms ask if this is about some stock market scam, and while cursing himself for missing that obvious idea, Binana says he's after more than money -- he wants to take the strongest, nastiest creatures from the future and use them to crush their heroic foils. And for starters, Officer Dragon looks like just the type. Looks like, of course.

To that end, Knight Watchman baddie Grandfather Clock has devised, uh, something like a time machine, sort of. See, this is why they need a big monster for the mission; the only thing Grandfather Clock could find that could produce the energy to break the time barrier was a uranium bomb, albeit one that can explode again and again. With the remote control, the Society of Evil Minds can send him to any time they like. 

As it turns out, Dragon is fighting Mighty Man because MM is possessed by the Wicked Worm (who is actually thousands of worms at  this point), and the Wicked Worm deliberately lured Dragon to a certain location to get him to jump on the time bomb.

Yeesh, is Dragon hairy. You know he's not a reptile? Erik Larsen told me on twitter so you know it's true. anyway, 1963 Mighty Man shows up to blow the SoEM's good time, and Dragon drops a bomb on them when they order him to do their dirty work: Mighty Man is a good friend of his, he's a police officer, and they're all under arrest. These guys are so racist, just because he's green he's the bad guy. He also explains why he was fighting Mighty Man in the future, because of course that came up.

In a panic, Binana splits for Earth B, while Grandfather Clock hits the remote to send Dragon back to his own time. The remote is broken in the explosion, meaning his time jumps are random from here on. Oh, man, this is the best Quantum Leap/Savage Dragon crossover since that fanfic I wrote.

Dragon arrives, seemingly, just a few years later, where the time bomb explosion chips away part of the "Coolidge Dam", a possible disaster that is naturally responded to by the Round Table of America.

Some items of note: Hummingbird, Mr. Martian, and Mike Merlin all put in their first appearances in this story. Hummingbird is sort of Hawkman and kind of the Atom; Mike Merlin is Snapper Carr with a bit of Zatanna (and after a magic sex change, full Zatanna as Ms. Merlin); and Mr. Martian is, duh, the Martian Manhunter. Anyway, the RTA fixes the dam up like new, and I discover that I hate Mike Merlin. Seriously, Snapper Carr is awesome, this guy is insufferable, even with amazing magic powers.

Dragon is saved by the Atomic Sub, and attacks Mr. Martian as soon as he comes to. The RTA has Mr. Martian's back, but Dragon mentions a Martian invasion in 1996, which I guess is a reference to the movie Mars Attacks! and the comics Image published that tied into it. It turns out htis is '65, so shortly before the Atomic Sub's death, by the way. Dragon tells his story, and the Knight Watchman picks up on Grandfather Clock's involvement immediately, but the bomb goes off seconds later.

Dragon lands in a Golden Age Dr. Weird story, where his explosion causes a house fire. Weird saves the people trapped inside, and goes to fight Dragon, but ends up hearing the guy out.

Dragon explains his predicament, and Weird can mystically tell he's being for real. Luckily, time travel is something he's familiar with; he was a scientist from the future who came back to the past and was killed, and whose spirit can't move on because he hasn't been born yet and thus shouldn't exist. Weird tries to set the time bomb to send Dragon to talk to his mentor, but when it blows, he ends up a little too far in the future.

Dragon pops in just as tryouts start, but Pantheon founders Jupiter Boy, Gravity Girl, and Clone Boy think he's one of the hopefuls and don't realize he needs help. Clone Boy's initially kind of interested in the explosive powers of this "Bomb Boy", but they don't allow people without inborn powers, and he's way too old anyway. 

Next it's 1962, at Midway City's football stadium, where the Midway Monsters are playing the Empire City Titans for the championship. Among the spectators: Reid and Jerry Randall, the Knight Watchman and Kid Galahad. A game winning field goal is shot out of the air by Grandfather Clock, who runs off with the championship trophy and prize money.

The Knight Watchman and Kid Galahad foil him, blah blah, and Dragon bursts into the picture. He yells at Grandfather Clock, who has no idea who he is or what he's talking about since this is before the Society of Evil Minds meeting. The 'misunderstanding' worsens until it's boom-boom time once more.

Yeah, it's the future. Er, the old future, at least; sometime in the 80s. An Ultiman robot brings Dragon to meet an aged, retired, powerless Chris Kelly. The robots do all the work these days, dispatched by Chris from his Command Center to deal with crises. Oh, and he's married and has a kid, and his wife is totally not Lori Lake. Is that why he moved out of the Secret Citadel, because his family couldn't live in a volcano? I just hope he still has his trophies. Anyway, Dragon asks if he can help him out, but Chris says he already has; Dragon made a jump to the 70s and there was some business with Venus that ended with the RTA getting him back to his own time. And, you know, kaboom, he's gone.

Now he's in a Brave and the Bold story. Or, uh, "Free and the Brave"; obviously the 70s, but not quite when the RTA has figured out how to help him. And this story is obviously to be continued in a later issue, as we're running out of pages pretty quick. You know, I once had a conversation on deviantArt with artist Shawn van Briesen about his work on this story, and in particular the Aparo aping.

The Knight Watchman and Dr. Weird are going to break into Grandfather Clock's place to find a remote for the time bomb. When they get there they find nothing... except for two Grandfather Clocks! He's since perfected the time bomb travel thing, you see, and even has the remotes. Both are immobilized by shock and considering how old and fat they are, probably also having heart attacks.

Weird uses one of the remotes to send the traveling Clock back whenever he came from, and tries to do the same to Dragon, who realizes this can't be the end because he hasn't met Venus yet. Throughout this whole story, Dragon's been a real cut-up, commenting sardonically about everything that happens as if he's resigned to the fate of Sam Beckett-but-not-really. This one ends with a classic: "THE END? Only time will tell!"

It Came from the Dollar Bin! Ninja High School #1!

You probably don't know this (because I haven't mentioned it much at all), but I'm into anime and manga as well as western comics and cartoons. Not quite as much, mind you, but it's an interest of mine.

Consequentially, I think "animesque" art styles in comics are pretty neat; I've been a fan of Adam Warren for a long time, and I love the artists of UDON and their comics.

There was a huge explosion of interest in manga and anime in the late 90s and early 00s, but there was a niche fandom for that kind of thing even back in the mid-late 80s, believe it or not; you may know about Adam Warren's Dirty Pair comics, but he actually did the first of those back in 1988!

If the name "Ben Dunn" rings a bell and you don't know him from this, you may remember him as the brain behind the short-lived Marvel Mangaverse (which, coincidentally, also involved both Adam Warren and UDON), and the artist on its main title.

As far as anime-style goes, the art here is pretty authentic for the time period we're talking about, though it is... iffy in spots. Still, THIS happens on page 3:

Ignoring how huge that guy's head has to be, that's pretty dope right there. So that's Itchy Koo, which has g ot to be some crazy nickname. She's the heir to some crazy ninja clan, and is to be sent away as a punishment for losing a battle. If you're wondering where, well, duh, to the USA, stupid. The small town of Quagmire, no doubt in whichever state Springfield of The Simpsons fame is in.

Anyway, in Quagmire she's to marry hapless nerd Jeremy Feeple, and moreover she has to get him to propose. I'm not going to lie to you and say I get it, but this is some challenge to teach her humility and prove her suitability to lead the clan. 

Elsewhere, Itchy Koo's secret admirer (and head of the Rival Ninja Clan, or RNC, Inc.) Rivalsan Lendo receives this news from a ninja spy in a tree costume. Lendo is based on Mendo from Urusei Yatsura, the rich, handsome romantic rival of the series lead, shiftless skirt-chaser Ataru. Also, around this time I realized I forget how to tell the difference between something ironic, something satirical, and something stupid.

And he mobilizes guys to kill Jeremy, because duh what else is there to do? Anyway, at Quagmire High, we're briefly introduced to another wacky cast member: loony bird mad scientist Prof. Steamhead. The scene then abruptly cuts to outer space (seems to me we could have seen more at Quagmire High, but oh well), where, uh, some alien skunk people are approaching Earth in a battleship.

Princess Asrial of the Salusian Empire is to marry some Earth dude as part of their plan to absorb Earth into their empire. Again, I'm not going to pretend that this makes a lot of sense to me. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble with this plot, since as I mentioned, I watch anime. Anyway, surprise surprise, it's Jeremy Feeple as well. The crew starts laughing uproariously at the loser their princess is to wed, and this is how she shuts them up:

So we've got a real Betty-and-Veronica thing on our hands, except they're both deadly and powerful. Anyway, Asrial undergoes a transformation procedure to look human, though she keeps her skunk ears even in this form. Also, she comes out naked and we totally see boobs, which I wasn't expecting -- though bare breasts weren't unusual in anime from the 70s to the late 80s. Anyway, she's sent to Earth in a cramped shuttle and the battleship warps back home.

Finally we see Jeremy in person during a gym class soccer game. Also present is his classmate, the titanic muscle man Arnie.

Yeah, that's timely, isn't it? To think it was so long ago that Schwarzenegger and Rambo were both cutting edge references. Jeremy is called into Principal Weasel's office (subtle), and is introduced to Itchy Koo, who feeds him a story about their fathers knowing each other and insists he be the one to give her the guided tour. Along the way, they run into Jeremy's obligatory, unnecessary gaggle of friends who have no relevance to the plot.

Hearing an explosion, the group goes outside and sees Asrial, whose ship just landed. Apparently it was supposed to evaporate into nothing on landing, but it just won't. Seeing Jeremy and hearing his name, she proposes to him immediately, and the conflict between her and Itchy Koo begins. Also, there's a decent gag where Arnie bursts through a window with some huge guns because he heard an explosion.

Anyway, Prof. Steamhead shows up to suggest a competition between the two would-be brides. Meanwhile, Jeremy's brother Ricky is at home chilling with their mom, and also she and Ricky are ninjas. It turns out Ricky was arranged to marry Itchy-Koo long before Jeremy came into the picture, but he's sworn not to tell Jeremy about it. Oh, and Itchy Koo is to live with the Feeples.

Elsewhere, Lendo has relocated to Quagmire and has his sights on Jeremy. Prof. Steamhead has found Asrial a place to stay, and reveals that he knows her alien origins and wants something her race possesses DUN DUN DUUUUN.

All in all, for a manga-style comic from 1988, it was way better than I'd expected. I might try to pick up collections later, maybe.

The Creature Commandos! Part 8 (WWT #110)

It's finally here; with this issue, the CC team is complete! Er, I guess I've spoiled this one more than enough already, but suffice it to say, in this issue Dr. Myrna Rhodes joins the team. And, again, I've been pretty straight with you up to this point, she has living snakes instead of hair.

As a sidenote, WWT #107 also had a cover story about women with snake hair. In that case, they were the Furies of Greek myth (uh, conflated with Medusa and her sisters I guess), but it still seems like an odd concept to run twice in four months.

For the first time in a while, this is the first story of the issue, which means Death is here to show us around. He shows us the CCs' dossiers, which sum up their origins and such. I think we learn a little new information for once, namely when and where our heroes were born, but it's mostly stuff we already know.

Anyway, as you may remember from last issue, the Creature Commandos' mission was to blow a dam, using the ensuing flood to take out German armor divisions. The explosives went off early and the CCs were caught in the flood

New artist Dan Spiegle draws Shrieve like he's kind of old, but according to that dossier I mentioned he should only be 33 right now. Oh, and Velcro has red eyes now, just go with it. Everyone survives the flood, but Shrieve was badly battered and lies unconscious or maybe sleeping. Lucky carries Shrieve as they head to a battlefield hospital, and I think it's pretty interesting that they'd even bother since they all hate him.

Oh, and they steal a German half-track to expedite the journey. And Lucky busts up an artillery gun on the way.

Yeah, this is Bob Kanigher, and it's pretty damn flowery. Velcro, Lucky, and even Griffith are haunted by the scene, according to said flowery narration. They get to the hospital, and turn a now-awake Shrieve over to plastic surgeon Dr. Myrna Rhodes, who vows to fix his face up good as new. Shrieve, being Shrieve, has two lines before he's wheeled into surgery, and uses both of them to insult the "freaks". A month later, when he takes his bandages off, he indeed looks just as he did before the flood. Rhodes is very kind to the CCs throughout their meeting, probably because she's seen her share of men uglied up by the war.

They ask Rhodes to operate on them, make them at least look human again, but she tells them their conditions are irreversible. They angrily charge off, knocking down everything in their way, as Rhodes tries to calm them down. This culminates in, well, Rhodes' origin.

Soon the hospital is evacuated, but Rhodes doesn't come out. Lucky decides to repay her kindness by saving her, rushing into a cloud that Griffith describes as "like breathing flame" and coming back out with an unconscious Rhodes in his arms. A week later (why are they still there?), Rhodes, with her head wrapped up like a mummy, asks the CCs, Shrieve included, to meet her outside at midnight. She reveals that she's been barred from practicing medicine and wants to join them.

So a German night bomber lands, full of commandos there to snatch up a renowned Allied general. The CCs and Rhodes see the whole thing, and Rhodes saunters over to do something about it, in the process showing her Creature Commando credentials.

Yeah, snake hair. Unlike the other Commandos, Rhodes isn't super strong or agile, but those snakes are venomous and seem to attack whomever she wills them to. This might seem like a power with fairly limited range, but these are the Creature Commandos; besides Shrieve they don't even carry guns and just wreck stuff with their bare hands. So the CCs rush to her aid, taking care of the bomber's crew and keeping the plane from escaping.

In the aftermath, Rhodes states the obvious, saying the chemical bath she took mutated her like crazy, and asks if she's good to join the team. Everybody agrees that they could use her -- even Lucky gives an emphatic thumbs up.

The Senses-Shattering Saga of the Metal Men! Part 8!

Sorry, I know it's been nearly two weeks since I last updated my signature Big Bang-Metal Men-Creature Commandos series. But, since neither of my readers have been bothering me about it it can't be that big a deal.

You know, I thought the living evil rollercoaster from last issue was a bit of a stretch, and even the Gas Gang was pretty hokey, but this bad guy is made of rubber rollers from a newspaper press. Every time I think I've seen everything, the Metal Men show up and prove me wrong.

...And, of course, everyone gets rolled into coins, like a penny at a theme park. Oh, is that the connection to the previous issue? Oh, and please tell me we aren't calling Iron "Ron" now. I hope that's just a typo. Anyway, as you'll remember, last issue ended with the Metal Men blinded and the blind kid Billy forced to lead them to safety. Luckily, he always counts his steps, and gets them back to the rocket with little incident by retracing them. Once they get inside, however...

Wait, "teenage"? Seriously? I would've guessed Billy was 11 or 12. Also, I really don't see how any of the Metal Men would be able to tell what's happening outside just by listening. Anyway, if they're to survive this, Billy has to launch the rocket with the Metal Men's instruction. He manages that, but they end up bringing the three nearest evil rides with them... until they melt away to nothing when the rocket escapes the atmosphere.

There's a great moment here where the Metal Men are praising Billy. Note Lead's line.

A robot like you, Lead? I think there are paramecia as smart as you. Anyway, Mercury isn't happy (as usual), because nobody knows where they're even going -- as long as everybody's blind, there's no way they'll get back to Earth. As if on cue, the rocket spins out of control for a reason nobody's quite sure of.

Meanwhile, Doc is still hard at work in his lab, trying to devise a way to cure Billy's blindness. He actually doesn't know Billy and the Metal Men are in space, as he hasn't left the lab since bringing Billy there.

Anyway, the rocket hurtles towards another strange planet. Incidentally, no real explanation for why it went crazy like that; Billy thinks there might be some cosmic storm, Gold theorized the gyroscope got busted, and Mercury blames Billy's blind piloting. Anyway, it's the planet of the Robot Juggernauts, the giant guys made of rubber rollers.

I don't know why, but I take these guys much less seriously than the giant tin amazons, or even the evil theme park rides. Billy manages an emergency landing (having learned how to land the rocket last issue), and everyone's A-OK on the ground... except for Mercury, who was splattered all over the place while the Metal Men were bumping into each other. He can't pull himself together and needs everyone else to put his errant globules and parts into place. You know, this is kind of a weird comic.

They end up taking Mercury (in buckets) outside, so as to have more room to put him back together. Luckily, the Metal Men's blindness starts to wear off around then -- just in time to see the Robot Juggernauts making their way to them. They try to lead the robots away, but apparently they didn't even see them, as they go right for the rocket and take it away, and the Metal Men naturally have to go after it. They leave Billy behind for his own safety just as it starts to rain.

OR DO THEY? The bizarre chemicals in this alien planet's rain just cure the Hell out of Billy's blindness, a development that causes Platinum to come back, grab him, and take him along. Hey, isn't that how this got started in the first place, Platinum noticing and caring about Billy? Anyway, a robot lion, not unlike the robot birds from the Tin Amazon planet, leaps out and attacks.

So is this like Transformers, where Earth is the exception to the rule and most planets with life have mechanical lifeforms? Anyway, Lead and Iron turn into a huge press and flatten it without much trouble.

Soon they see their rocket on the horizon, but a huge robot juggernaut blocks the way. At this point, a more-irritable-than-usual Mercury puts himself back together in a lopsided, incomplete fashion, as he's sick of being treated like an invalid. 

The juggernaut magnetizes itself, which attracts the Metal Men (yes, all of them) to it. Platinum thinks quickly and throws Billy to Tin, who was furthest away from the robot. While the other Metal Men are caught in the juggernaut's rollers, Tin turns into a hoop and rolls Billy to safety... until Billy insists they go back for the others.

It turns out these giant robot juggernauts are cannibals, and they were going to eat the rocket after putting it in a smelting pool. But now the Metal Men are up first. And naturally this entails rolling them flat.

As Billy and Tin return, the other guys are dropped into the smelter. They're melting pretty good until Gold suggests they take the opportunity to form an alloy with each other. And this takes the form of a giant robot.

If you've read Kingdom Come, you might remember a giant named Alloy was present when the Parasite killed Captain Atom, and that Alloy was the combined form of the Metal Men. I had no goddamn idea that was based on an actual thing in a Metal Men comic (although obviously this one doesn't include Tin). Man, this is 1964, which I think makes the Metal Men the original combining robot team. Yeah, eat it Voltron, Devastator, and Daiapolon. 

In their Alloy form, the Metal Men make quick work of the cannibal juggernauts and head back home in their rocket. Humorously, everyone but Tin is still combined into the alloy form; I guess it'll take a trip to the Metal Recovery Room to sort that out. 

It came from the Dollar Bin! Sectaurs #1!

Remember the 80s? I don't, I was born at the very end of that whole decade, but I'm very familiar with a very specific subset of the era's pop culture: the comics and cartoons. A lot of 80s cartoons saw syndication in the 90s, and Cartoon Network was airing Silverhawks and GI Joe as late as 2002, and, uh, I watched that stuff.

The point is, pretty much all the successful cartoons of the 80s had one thing in common: a toyline. In the earliest and most notable cases (He-Man, GI Joe, Transformers), the toys came first, with the show being created to promote them. But as the decade dragged on, there were a lot of attempts to duplicate the success of those shows, and a lot of toylines came pre-packaged with a TV miniseries and a Marvel comic, including Visionaries, Starriors, and Animax. Oh, and Sectaurs.

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Sectaurs is interesting for two reasons: One, the good guy and the bad guys are all humanoid bug people. The bugs would be villains in just about any other context -- in Beast Wars, for instance, most Predacons are bugs. Of course, in most cases the Sectaurs' resemblence to insects begins and ends at their antennae and eyes. Two, the toys' gimmick was that the figures came with mounts or attack animals, seen above. Some of them were essentially hand puppets that you perched the figures atop.

The character designs for the good guys follow the "but not too inhuman" rule, with the heroic Price Dargon sporting a full head of hair, for instance. Oh, and the comic is written by Bill Mantlo, famed for Rom: Spaceknight and Micronauts, which perhaps not coincidentally were also toy tie-ins. I don't know much about those comics, but this is one of the most dense, overwritten single issues this side of Top Ten -- I've hardly ever seen this many characters, concepts, or subplots introduced all at once. And unlike Top Ten, none of it's especially new or interesting; if anything it's one cliche to the next in rapid succession.

The setting is the planet Symbion, which is essentially your average fantasy setting with bug people. The Dark Domain, with its capital Symbax, is a forthrightly evil nation built on the backs of legions of helpless slaves

The Shining Realm, in case subtlety isn't your thing, is naturally the good world power. But, as the slaves say, the dark empress Devora wishes to conquer it. She has her armies invade the border kingdoms between the Dark Domain and the Shining Realm, under false pretenses of discovering heretics there.

At the edge of the Shining Realm, the warrior Pinsor, riding his steed Battle Beetle, arrives at his brother Draymor's farm. Pinsor is the mustachioed, three-fingered guy on the cover, and by my wager the elder statesman, Man-at-Arms type among the heroes.

At dinner, Draymor asks his brother to use his friendship with Prince Dargon to ensure that the border farmlands are protected from invasion. Pinsor balks at the suggestion, saying this is a time of peace, when Devora's forces attack.

That was supposed to be funny, right? Or was this during the period where "AIIIEEEEE!" was used without irony? I can't even tell if the soldier's being sarcastic. Oh, and these guys are General Spidrax and Commander Waspax. Note the buzzing bug mount that matches Waspax's color scheme. They also provide exposition: on Symbion, heretics, also known as Keepers, are people who practice "arcane arts of the ancients" -- I guess there's magic in this setting. Anyway, Pinsor and Draymor join the fight and inspire the peasant farmers, but Draymor is knocked off his bug mount by the hideous brute Skulk, Empress Devora's stepson and the ugly guy on the far right of the cover.

Oh, and more exposition: everybody who rides these bugs, or insectaurs (hence the name, I guess), is "telebonded" with them, symbiotically linked. Thus, they share each other's pain. And... surely there are benefits to this, because "feeling your horse's pain", by itself, would be a really crappy superpower.

Pinsor's brother is wounded and cannot fight, and the battle is hopeless at this point anyway. Pinsor goes to tell Dargon's uncle Regent Galken of the Dark Domain's treachery.  The villagers are enslaved for "harboring heretics" as Spidrax gloats about a job well done. Meanwhile, our hero Prince Dargon and his best pal Zak are on a hunting expedition.

Yeah, "Bitaur", which I think is a triple pun. You get used to lame puns when you look at the 80s; He-Man was probably the biggest offender. Incidentally, Bitaur's one of the small insectaurs that can't be ridden. Dargon's speech is not unlike that of Marvel's old Shakespearean Asgardians, I should mention, and I bet that kind of dialogue is fun as hell to write.

Dargon defies death, grabbing the venipede as it goes under and returning to the surface with the venom he needed minutes later. He joins Zak and their pal Gnatseye as they go to the Crimson Claw, the hottest pub in the Shining Realm's capital of Prosperon (because, you know, subtlety). There, in the midst of their celebrating, Dargon's old mentor Mantys comes to browbeat him about his royal duties; Dargon's father has been missing for some time, and he is unwilling to ascend to the throne unless he knows him to be dead.

At the same time, Skulk tracks down a for real suspected Keeper, followed covertly by Spidrax and Waspax. The trail leads to a "Hyve", some place where the "Ancients" lived, which  mostly looks like part of a spaceship. Yeah, magic and super science are both heretical. Because at this point, why not? Fantasy? Let's get some sci-fi in there. Maybe add a gritty crime drama a little later. Oh, and Skulk touches something and ruins everything.

Outside, a red fog rolls out, killing the soldiers Spidrax left behind. It develops into a crazy loco storm, which both floods Prosperon and tears it to pieces, and sends wildlife running for hundreds of miles. Dargon also talks about the great cataclysm, and suspects that the storm may not be natural. Mantys, however, knows this to be the case -- he has knowledge of the Ancients' science, and would be labeled a heretic if anyone knew.

Regent Galken calls a conference to which the kings of the Shining Realm's city-states attend. It's revealed that Devora has spun Skulk's actions to her advantage, and used the death of Spidrax's troops as an excuse to start a full-fledged war against the Keepers. Moreover, the storm's devastation of Prosperon has the Shining Realm's rulers convinced that they should ally with the Dark Domain against the Keepers. Man, political intrigue, huh? Subplot #32A is introduced when Zak's fiancee Belana, who secretly likes Dargon a lot more than Zak, shows up. Oh, and Mantys tries to warn against allying with the Dark Domain.

This all strikes me as a little ambitious for a tie-in comic to a line of action figures, but then again, Mantlo is clearly the expert on that. So Mantys takes Dargon to his father's quarters and has a talk with him about the ancients and the Great Cataclysm, outing himself as a Keeper. He says that if the Shining Realm is to survive, Dargon needs to get find the remaining Hyves before the Dark Domain can -- and that if he does, he can use their technology for good. That's when Pinsor bursts in to tell of the attack on his brother's farm.

At the same time, Devora assigns Spidrax, Waspax, and Pinsor to the task of finding the other Hyves as well, except, you know, for evil. Also, it turns out her castle is called Grimhold, because, again, subtlety. Spidrax thinks to himself about the power any one Hyve contains, and how he can use it to usurp Devora's place as ruler, because it's not enough for the heroes to fight the bad guys, they have to fight each other.

WHEW. Is it me or was that long? For a 24 page comic, that is. Crap, I talk about how much happens in a given issue of the Metal Men, but at least that's a little longer than your typical monthly. And here's the thing: I have so little reason to care about any of these characters. The setting and concept are so muddled and complicated that it takes all issue to introduce them, and the characters have so little room to show their... characters. Man, I always talk about how easy it must be to look at bad comics at be funny, and while I wouldn't call this horrible, I take that back.