The Creature Commandos! Part 14 (WWT #119)

This is basically a disguised issue of the Metal Men -- a full-length CC story with all the craziness Bob Kanigher could pack into it.

The cover sort of mis-represents the story, and also what lions look like. Anyway, it starts out simply enough -- after some time in London the CCs are sent on a mission to retrieve allied spy Alesso from an Italian village, for fear that his secrets will fall into enemy hands.

If you ever played Fallout: New Vegas, this scene probably reminds you of arriving in Nipton and seeing the streets lined with people crucified by Caesar's Legion. Anyway, they rescue Alesso, who turns out to be an old woman, with only slight difficulty (namely, Velcro experiences a little Bat Form Dysfunction, but eventually he gets it up! Like, up in the air.)

Some other crap, including Lucky destroying a secret cache of rockets, happens. The real meat of the story, and the part that makes this the most ridiculous thing I've yet seen in all my comic-reading years, happens when Agent Alesso takes the CCs to her basement. 

A time machine. This is a little over halfway into the story, I thought we were about to end and head into GI Robot, but no -- it's spy rescue and time travel today. This is the most sudden, most drastic mid-story genre shift I've ever seen, or heard of, I don't even know how to feel about that. The CCs, minus Shrieve of course, head to the year 2944, hoping the scientists of the future will be able to undo their deformities. Sure, if you've got insurance. 

New Earth! Home to the Fightin' Giant Aryans, who basically live in a Jetsons-style future utopia (except still actually on Earth, I guess). What the giants were doing out here, I can't tell you, since the landscape is arid wasteland as far as the eye can see. Until they take the CCs into their hovercraft and show them to their city, at least.

These turn out to be artifacts from before a nuclear war in the 2240s, all brought to one place as a reminder of mankind's mistakes. If you're wondering where these giant guys live, by the way, it's a giant city under a huge glass dome, like some kind of funhouse mirror version of Kandor. Anyway, as if I needed to tell you, the inhabitants of New Earth are really creepy. It's like Brobdingnagian Stepford Wives, only it's Stepford Everyones.

You know, right around this point I realized this is a pretty freaking weird war tale. Way to deliver on a premise, WWT. Anyway, don't worry, they're just going to watch a movie detailing the origin of this new society -- the twins Claude and Claudia proposed it centuries ago, and it was passed into law. Oh, and why is everyone giant? Uhhhh...

Can you guess who they picked as the clone daddy/mommy? Because duh it was those two. Anyway, the master race guys knock out the CCs and throw them into, uh, a lion pit. See, the CCs are different and thus must die. Still, it was nice of their hosts to treat them to a movie before killing them. A fable breaks out when Lucky befriends one of the lions by taking a thorn from its paw.

I'm glad Rhodes is here to comment on everything, because imagine Velcro saying this stuff. Lucky naturally shows up for one of his classic feats of strength, tearing a future-dude sized gate off its hinges and tossing it at his captors.

The CCs escape the colosseum and the dome quickly, and free the lions on their way out. Lucky really made a big impression on that lion, who is obviously his #1 bro for lyfe now.

I don't know why but I find the waving lion the silliest thing in the story. He's Lucky's soul brother, man, it's a bond I can't comprehend. The CCs pile back into the time machine and return to where they came from. They're actually happy to see Shrieve when they get back, though naturally the feeling isn't mutual.

WWT was canceled after #122, meaning there are only three stories left after this. God, how could they ever top this one?

The Senses-Shattering Saga of the Metal Men! Part 14!

Right off the bat I have to say this is an amazing cover by any standard you could possibly imagine. And after reading ahead, this might be my favorite issue so far.

The issue opens with the Metal Men checking out their fan mail, specifically all the responses they got for a name for Tin's tin girlfriend. Mercury doesn't see the point in this and suggests the name 'Nameless', which would eventually stick, but my favorite proposed name comes from Frances Vorberg of Grant's Pass, Or. -- "Tinkle". Lead likes that one, too. Tin just calls her 'Beautiful', but she says she's not uncomfortable with 'Nameless'. Anyway, Doc gets a letter specifically addressed to him, and it turns out  to be a death threat.

A weird acronym and a smoking letter? Yeah, and you know what that means? Because, not to spoil it or anything, but writer Bob Kanigher really used the self-destructing message as an means of murder -- or attempted murder, in this case, as Platinum shoves Doc behind Lead and smothers the blast with her body. Doc, as usual when this happens to her, is super regretful of the way he treated her, and for once he's pretty nice to her for the  rest of the issue.

Doc and the Metal Men vow to bring B.O.L.T.S. to justice, and name themselves the Metal Men from N.U.T.S. for this purpose. Yeah, do you see what this is about? It's a Man from U.N.C.L.E. thing, although in the loosest sense possible -- acronyms and evil plans are about as far as this gets. Later, Doc attends a robotics expo, when a demonstration goes wrong and the robots go haywire.

The crazed robots crab Doc and take him somewhere. As tends to be the case for fictional robots, no matter how primitive or what task they were designed for, these guys are super strong and bulletproof, so police can't stop them. Soon Doc is face to face with the source of all his troubles -- B.O.L.T.S.!

Doc thinks this guy is the head of B.O.L.T.S., but nobody else from his organization ever really shows up and he's mostly referred to as 'B.O.L.T.S." for the rest of the issue. He alludes to his creation 'behind the Iron Curtain' and his goal of destroying democracy, though. Not to nitpick, comrades, but it seems to me that, despite all the extra space for computing power, this is just about the most conspicuous spy in the history of ever.

Oh, and he's also kind of an anti-human, uh, racist or whatever, touting himself and all robots as superior to any human. Thus, he also plans to take over the rest of the world once he's finished with the West. In any case, the Metal Men show up in the flying saucer just as things start to look really hairy for Doc. Iron knocks the big guy down with a Metal Men bola and tries to fight off the robot minions.

They keep coming at him until he flattens them to the ground with huge press arms. This rescue attempt is cut short when B.O.L.T.S. emits a smokescreen from what I guess is his mouth in order to cover his escape.

Obviously, this isn't the last they've seen of him. In fact, Doc meets up with him again in about three pages -- he was on a date but got ditched, and was ambushed by B.O.L.T.S. on the way home. I say 'ambushed', but obviously I mean "B.O.L.T.S. was standing in the middle of the road; Doc could see him a mile away but just kept driving right towards him anyway." Still, this is a perfect opportunity for intense spy action, in which the Metal Men have no place!

You know, I wasn't having a great time today, but now I totally am. Thanks so much, Bob Kanigher, you crazy man. Sadly, rocket fire proves ineffective, and Doc is taken captive. He calls the Metal Men via another spy-type guy gadget built into his car, and they rush ineffectually to his aid. Everybody lies helpless on a car crusher when 'Nameless' shows up, having lagged behind, and B.O.L.T.S. is immediately, uh, smitten with her. What-ever.

Gotta go with 'Beautiful' over there, anybody who's into her is off his rocker. Or stabilizer, whatever. And yes, that includes Tin, he's a real weirdo when it comes to his ladyfriend. Of course, this is just an excuse for her to be significant to the issue even though she isn't even on the cover. He chases he endlessly until he does something uncharacteristically stupid. Well, maybe he was always stupid, his plans never seemed that clever. Still, I wouldn't have pegged him the type to die like Frank Grimes.

And so Nameless/Beautiful/Seventh Wheel saves the day by accident, and everyone congratulates her as if she meant to do it. Jeez, Kanigher, stop trying to get this new character over with the audience, huh? What's wrong with just making a robot girl out of a new metal, for starters? Anyway, after everyone's all better and back at the lab, Tin starts calling his galpal 'Beautiful', but she accepts the name 'Nameless' from everybody else. Goddamn I hate this stupid character and her horrifying relationship with Tin.

It Came from the Dollar Bin! The Tick: Heroes of the City #1!

Yes, the to-date final installment of that series I started months ago where I take a look at the #1 issues of comics I picked up at a used book store! Lemme tell you, my life sounds amazing when you say it out loud.

The Tick is sort of special to me because I watched the TV cartoon as a kid, and it's something that really holds up today. And according to the creators of the Venture Brothers, who are pals with Tick creator Ben Edlund, the two shows/comics are set in the same universe! I was also pretty into the sadly short-lived live-action sh-ow, really clever writing on that one.

If you're not familiar with the Tick (and I admit I'm not that versed in his actual comic appearances), he's an escaped mental patient who is super strong and nigh-invulnerable. His sidekick Arthur is a doughy nervous wreck in a flying moth suit. They fight silly villains like Chairface Chippendale and Pineapple Pokopo, and team up with silly heroes like Rubberduck and the Caped Cod. 

In this issue, a falling out between Arthur and the Tick has the Tick working as a sidekick-for-hire to get in Arthur's head. At the same time, Arthur wishes he felt like a hero as he goes to hang out with his girlfriend at her fast food job.

On the way, he encounters the absolute classic "cat up a tree", and as you can see this doesn't go well. It does get down, though -- it jumps, landing on Arthur's soft belly, after knocking him down. When he gets to the fast food place he's not feeling so great, but he saves a man from choking.

And in case you're wondering, yes, this sparked an incredibly cheesy "Oh, Arthur, you're my hero!" from his GF. These stories are kind of cheesy, but to be fair they aren't penned by Ben Edlund, but rather Clay Griffith (the Tick's part) and Marc Silvia (this Arthur story and a surprise at the end)

At what I'm guessing is about the same time, the Tick is working his sidekick job under a hero called El Flamingo, who polices, uh, the pool at a local country club. You know, this is the fourth hero or villain I've seen named after the pink freakin' flamingo, though obviously this one's a comedy character so at least he has an excuse.

As you can imagine, El Flamingo is a glorified lifeguard, except I'm not even sure he can swim. He thinks it's a pretty sweet gig, since he's never even heard of poolside crime. This means he basically gets paid to chill around by the pool and chat up ladies -- especially now that he has a sidekick to handle his workload.

However, due to his tempting fate, the Country Club is soon crashed by Cabana Boy, a supervillain who specializes in poolside crime. Faced with an actual threat, El Flamingo turns out to be a coward and a weakling.

This, naturally, is where the Tick comes in. After falling into the pool a few times, he breaks a diving board off and knocks Cabana Boy into next week. El Flamingo is quick to act like he did something.

El Flamingo throws the Tick under the bus vis a vis that broken diving board, and says it's coming out of his pay. The Tick quits, disgusted at the idea of a hero who works for money. I would sort of get where he's coming from if he actually had a regular job on the side, but then again he's also both crazy and stupid. We get a 'to be continued' card before the next story, which stars the cheerleader superhero Myndi! She stops a bunch of crooks with athletic kicks and flips.

Then she nabs a mugger, and finally stops a speeding getaway car with caltrops launched from her pompoms. Or, uh, she says it's "pompons", but get real, sister. Anyway, they turn out to be bulletproof (wow!) and even house guns! 

Don't worry, though, they only fire paintball pellets, which hurt but are basically as non-lethal as anything shot from a gun can get. See, heroes don't kill, that's a rule, but guns are obviously the hippest trip.

All in all a decent enough read, though it's not as clever or quite as bizarre as most of the Tick stuff I've seen. I should probably hunt down more Tick material in general, it's classic indie stuff.

Okay, What the Hell is up with Forever Evil #2?

Yes, this has been promoted to a regular feature for as long as Forever Evil continues to be stupid. And right now it's the stupidest comic I've read all year.

Item #1 on the 'wow I hate this' list: Not changing Johnny Quick's stupid conehead costume. It was stupid in the Silver Age, so it was changed for the Anti-Matter version, but not here. Hell, if you'll notice, even Owlman's costume has more in common with Silver Age Owlman than the leagues-better Anti-Matter/Crisis on Two Earths ensemble. 

Anyway, the issue starts with Lex Luthor again, and his narration here isn't that bad. He buys that Superman is dead or at least unable to do anything about the Syndicate taking over, and is looking for something in the bowels of his corporate HQ. Also he meets a security guard named Otis (oh ha ha very cute Johns).

Meanwhile, the Teen Titans, whom I kind of actually like, plot to do something about the Syndicate after the Nightwing identity bombshell they dropped on the world. I sort of wonder what the point of that even was, since they seem to be keeping Nightwing prisoner, though. Then there's a little montage of the destruction across... well, cities in the United States.

Firestorm villains went to Central with the Flash Rogues. Is Firestorm based out of Central City or something? Anyway, it strikes me as out of character for Plastique to bow down to authority, tyranny even, since she's, you know, a terrorist. Anyway, there's also villain riots in Gotham (and the events of 'Villain Month' are no doubt occurring as well); it looks like Johns is trying to push the White Rabbit, because she's front and center. Also, Deadshot and Harley Quinn storm the White House to kidnap the President, his family, and his staff. I don't know if that's really their usual MO...

Back at Happy Harbor, RI., the Syndicate is having a spat because bad guys are bad and don't get along because of their badness. Johnny Quick and Atomica are the Awful Character Finds of 2013; I can't remember the last time any two characters annoyed me this much. They jabber on, with Quick getting an "are you kidding me?" ten word balloons in the double-page spread, and speed off to go cause some mayhem against Ultraman's wishes.

Also some character stuff with Deathstorm and Power Ring, where Johns tries to make them interesting by making us ask questions about them.

It looks like Deathstorm is Prof. Martin Stein, aka the science professor Ronnie Raymond was bonded with as the original pre-Nu52 Firestorm. I don't see how that's analogous to the New 52's Ronnie/Jason Rusch Firestorm, though. And Power Ring's ring seems to be parasitic in some way. Look, I get that it's the evil 'verse, not necessarily the mirror 'verse -- Silver Age Power Ring got his ring from an ancient monk, for instance -- but if you're going to portray Owlman's history as nearly identical to Batman's, up to and including the death of his sidekick Talon at the hands of the good Joker (as seen in Secret Society #1), why make everything else so different?

And I say again, Johns must think it's so damn clever for Power Ring to be a wimpy coward, afraid of his own shadow and not even liking his ring at all. Because fear is what Green Lanterns resist (according to stuff only introduced into the GL mythos by Johns himself)!

Anyway, Grid spouts off his motivation apropos of nothing, before giving Ultraman a location to tend to -- Khandaq. Oh, GEE, I wonder who he'll meet there. There's an extended spat between him and Owlman over their prisoner Nightwing that bored me to death.

Things I know about Superwoman: She is a woman simultaneously in relationships with two different men, and that she is pregnant. And that her pregnancy is making her sentimental. There is nothing else to know about her right now. She has less characterization than Atomica, than Power Ring, than Grid, than Deathstorm -- by far she's the member of the Syndicate Johns is the least interested in. She's less a character than an element in the Ultraman-Owlman feud, whose part could easily be filled by a sex doll. I don't and didn't read Justice League -- tell me Johns handled the much-maligned Superman-WW romance better than this.

There are cops assembled outside the Watchtower ruins, but they're met by Johnny Quick and Atomica.

That's it, go home, everybody. That's my pick for stupidest comics moment of the year. This is 100% exactly like that Let's be Friends Again strip. If that ridiculous 'blocking the sun' plot weren't evidence enough, there it is -- Geoff Johns has the mind of a child. This is the coolest thing you could ever imagine at age 11, which is where Johns' mind has been frozen for years. I say this understanding that he has written good comics with cool dialogue many times in the past, but he has done little in recent years to suggest any other explanation for most of his material.

Also, sort of wondering why the Syndicate has to be killers. I mean, it's not like the  regular Justice Lea... you know what, nevermind.

The Teen Titans show up to fight them off, while Luthor finds his Superman clone B-Zero. He's forced to release it before it's really "done", causing it to be, you know, Bizarro, and tests his loyalty by ordering him to kill Otis. 

Stupidest Thing of the Year Runner-Up occurs as the TT/Johnny Quick-Atomica fight heats up. Well, warms over -- it's the big action moment of the issue but it doesn't really go anywhere. Here's the biggest hit of the fight, and the aforementioned stupid thing.

Stupid, right? Not only that, but pointless -- the next time we see Atomica she pops out of WG's mouth with Cassie looking none worse for the wear. Johns just wanted a tiny woman to do down another woman's throat, and dedicated three oddly-arranged panels to it. Geoffrey, we're here for you, you know that? If you want to talk to somebody, we can get you help.

Think about the mechanics of that, even. Supposing that Atomica can fly (or at least float like Ray Palmer could), could she really do it fast enough to pop into your mouth as you're talking, while saying a complete sentence and a half? Although WG's mouth was open so wide it was more like she was eating an invisible burger.

I admit that what happens next is both relatively creative and interesting -- Johnny Quick can tell Kid Flash is from the future (was that established at some point? It is now, I guess), and messes with the time stream so as to send him back. The ensuing vortex pulls the rest of the team into it.

The Titans are sent to the future, and to be honest I might start reading Titans again just to see where that goes. Meanwhile, Luthor suits up in his classic green'n'purple armor while Bizarro puts on his Superman costume inside out. Hey, check this out and see how loud you groan.

Not only does John actually think that line is cool, he thinks it's cool enough to use two issues in a row, from the same character, changed only slightly. You know, I get that Luthor might oppose the Syndicate, but think about it this way -  if the JL went to Earth-3, would the Good Luthor hate them? Hell, let's go a step further -- if the JL went to Earth-3, would they act like the fascist Justice Lords from the JL cartoon? 

That's the thing about this, these guys aren't even a little equivalent to the Justice League. They ruled the world and are trying to take over another; the Justice League is a bunch of guys who punch bad dudes. I feel like only the original Crime Syndicate got this right -- the opposite of heroes isn't dictators, it's villains. A mirror universe cop is a crook, not a corrupt politician

Whatever, I'm getting off-topic. At STAR Labs, a battered Batman and Catwoman show up with a near-death Cyborg, saying the rest of the League is dead. Does that include the JLD, JLA, and/or even the JLI? No, not Godiva and OMAC!

Bruce, you do know that Cyborg hated his father for years the last time he saved his life, right? I don't know how happy he'll be to wake up with less flesh than ever.

So if I were to recap this issue (or at least encapsulate it further), I guess I'd say Bizarro, Titans in the Future, Batman's Alive. 1. No duh Bizarro was gonna show up sooner or later. 2. Okay, sort of interested, but it's not gonna be followed up on in this book. 3. Are you stupid? Of course he's alive. This issue could have been a post-it note reading 'the Titans are in the future now' and it we'd have learned just as much and been more entertained. DC suspended their regular comics for villain stuff for a whole month to build up to... nothing.

It all started with the Big Bang! Part 14 (Issue #25)

It's the silver monthiversary at Big Bang Comics, and there's even a cover to that effect.

Isn't this an RTA gathering? The Badge and Trooper are crashing the party and hope nobody notices, I guess. They aren't even in this issue, the stories are Knight Watchman, Thunder Girl, and the Hummingbird.

Ever since he first appeared in Big Bang #22, almost every Knight Watchman story has the Pink Flamingo as its villain. As well it should; I mean, up until then his arch-enemy was probably Grandfather Clock for crying out loud. Of course, I did some skipping around during that Savage Dragon crossover -- don't get it twisted, he has other villains, like Faulty Towers, Mr. Mask, and our old pal the Quizmaster.

Anyway, this issue's plot isn't that much like the splash page (because when is anything?) -- it's more of a classic Flintstones "sudden bonk on the head causes identity amnesia". Instead of thinking himself a famous racecar driver, Jerry "Kid Galahad" Randall simply forgets his name and every personal detail after taking a nasty spill off his bike. He fights off some toughs, who like his fire and want him to come see their boss.

The Pink Flamingo (whose real name turns out to be, are you ready for this, 'Pinkerton Flemming') is basically acting the part of Fagin to these urchins, teaching them to do his dirty work and paying them in nothing but feigned affection. He doesn't recognize Jerry, because shut up you can explain that a million ways. 

Reid Randall, the Knight Watchman, however, looks for his missing nephew, only to see him fleeing the scene of a crime with his new pals. Jerry hangs back and creates a distraction to cover the others' escape, and is treated like a hero when he gets back to the pillow factory. And that's when...

Amnesia is absolutely like this, kids. If your friend isn't acting like himself, head trauma is the way to go. 

After regaining his memory, Jerry helps the Knight Watchman round the kids up as soon as he arrives on the scene. It's never mentioned whether the Knight Watchman actually put together the amnesia thing; I'm betting he thinks Jerry went undercover intentionally, a story that Jerry will go along with because it's obviously much less embarrassing.

Now, I think that's technically battery and 100% unprovoked, but get real, this is the Pink Flamingo. I'm sure arresting officers got a few licks in at Al Capone and John Hinckley, too. If you're wondering what'll happen to Brick and the other street kids, the Knight Watchman promises to find them homes. Everybody wins!

The Thunder Girl story has art that's a little outta whack, I'm not going to bother you with it. Also, it doesn't even have Binana in it, just some generic bug-eyed aliens. 

On to Hummingbird -- the Hummingbird and his pal Edgar the raven are chilling in the forest when they see a strange group of people in the infamous 'Devil's Field' area. They've, uh, been hypnotized by a fairy queen, who wants his help taking her throne back from a mad tyrant.

The Hummingbird seems to buy into all this pretty easily, although I guess the mention of science might have been enough. He hops down a hole to the fairy realm, which is sadly much too small for Edgar, and meets a bunch of pixies on the other side. They turn out to be quite small compared to the Hummingbird's six-inch frame, and I bet it must feel pretty cool to be the huge guy for once.

It's not long before he meets the crazed ruler of fairyworld or whatever, Garlon. While Garlon's goons pose no threat, the man himself is a different story, as he has tons of scientific tricks up his sleeve.

In this case, "anything" includes a noose. Luckily the Hummingbird can shrink, which allows him to escape -- and at pint size he's too small and too fast for Garlon to hit with anything. You know when a big guy can't hit a smaller, faster guy, and he's like "AAUGH STAND STILL"? That's basically what happens; Garlon also whines like a child and says this development isn't fair.

I'm almost positive he really killed that guy. 

Freed from Garlon's mind control, the citizens implore Hummingbird to stay as their new king. He lets them down gently and instead. He notices a statue of Pellinore, the queen who started all this -- apparently she died thousands of years ago. He doesn't mention meeting her because he doesn't want to look weird, and upon returning to our world, can't find any evidence that this adventure actually happened.

That's a cute ending. I like how the whole 'woah these fairies use science, bro, far out' thing gets pointed out, sort of. I have to say I'm kind of into the Hummingbird; I love Jeff Weigel's art on his stories, especially.

The Creature Commandos! Part 13 (WWT #118)

I actually do have WWT #117, I just don't think it would make for a decent post. Suffice it to say, it was about the CCs and Shrieve being forcibly put on leave/behind a desk, only to come together to stop a secret Nazi plot anyway. Shrieve might actually sort of like these dudes, it turns out, by the way. Eh, he's still an asshole.

Imagine for a minute that the CCs had JAKE and Sgt. Coker instead of Shrieve. That's a dream team right there.

This one's another GI Robot crossover, and as before JAKE takes the fore for the most of it. Granted, then it says 'the end' and the CCs finally show up, so I guess I can just start there. JAKE got a medal from the King of England for bravery, and now the CCs are up to get some hardware of their own. Even though their logo is the biggest on the cover, by the way, this story is like seven pages.

The King's, uh, page or whatever reads the citation provided. He also lampshades how detailed it is, saying that whatever officer wrote this up must be some frustrated novelist. Oh, and the King's taking this all in stride since he's kind of boss like that.

I remember when Griffith was a bloodthirsty lunatic, but for a while now he's been a pretty cool dude, essentially the same person in both wolf and human form. Eh, let's call that 'character development' (I'm feeling generous today). There's a lot of crap about how kids are innocent and get the CCs, but I don't know if I necessarily buy it. They also show one of the kids feeling Griffith's wolf face and not being freaked out, because that's how saintly these kids are. As you can imagine, it's not long before something goes wrong.

Vicious Nazi POWs! The CCs offer themselves up for capture, but the escapees are smarter than that and take the kids, reasoning that nobody will attack the guys who have blind kids hostage. Now, that might make sense if you were dealing with regular soldiers who are written by a sane human being, but these are the Creature Commandos and they're written by Bob Kanigher, so obviously it doesn't end there. The escapees hijack a freight train, and the CCs head after them by air.

I feel like Velcro's bat form keeps getting bigger. Anyway, after he takes out the guard on top, the CCs land their tiny glider plane on the train. The ridiculousness of this idea is made apparent after they've bailed out, when the glider is smashed to pieces as the train goes through a tunnel. Kunzer sends some guys up to the roof to investigate the noise, but naturally the CCs are up there waiting for them.

Good guy or no, Griffith's really getting better at battle banter. Used to be he would just scream about blood. Surprisingly enough, Lucky contributes pretty much nothing to this whole adventure other than chipping in for the final gunfight, which isn't usually his job anyway. It's weird to see Griffith get in bigger and better hits than Lucky.

Whew, I almost thought a train-related adventure would pass without a 'punching a ticket' joke for a second there. Close call. Anyway, the CCs come out on top, doing away with all the escaped POWs and saving the blind little kids. Upon hearing all this, the King gives them medals without hesitation, and Rhodes, no joke, says the kids (who it turns out are present for the ceremony) are the real heroes and pins the brass on them instead. Not to ruin this Hallmark moment, but the kids didn't really do anything but accept the CCs for who the--oh, I get it, that's why they're the real heroes.