What the Hell is up with Forever Evil #5?

Man, I am really not into David Finch, I don't think I've mentioned that, but jeez, man. Anyway, last issue ended with Sinestro showing up and menacing Power Ring. Let's see what's up with that plot thread.

And, see, the yellow border serves as an ironic statement about how fearful he is, when he's running from the leader of the Lantern corps that is powered by fear! I feel sorry for anyone who actually finds this clever, and yes this includes Geoff Johns himself. Power Ring's pitiful retreat from Sinestro has some boring Luthor narration over it, when we cut back to Luthor and his Legion of Doom (along with Batman and Catwoman) staring down a Syndicate hit squad led by Deathstroke.

A fight breaks out, duh, and Luthor spends a lot of time courting Batman's favor for some reason, as if having Batman as his enemy right now would mean anything when he's got friends like Black Adam and Bizarro. Then we spend a little more tine with Sinestro/Power Ring, for character bullcrap with Power Ring's ring insulting him and ordering him around. 

Luthor is so sweet on Batman right now that I'm sure thousands on tumblr are trying to reconcile it with their obvious shared lust for Superman. Another sudden cut to the Sinestro/PR fight, which seems to be pretty back-and-forth so far...

I'm still not sure I get why Sinestro is even here -- is it just because of the connection to Hal Jordan, does he care about Hal that much? Is Hal such a bewitching personality that his greatest enemy's every thought is devoted to him? I just remembered who is writing this comic, so probably. Back at the Luthor plot thread, Deathstroke's hit squad is taken care of one by one, until Luthor manages to convince Deathstroke to turn on the Syndicate and save Batman.

Oh, so I guess he couldn't actually handle Copperhead? I can't really say I buy Batman almost getting killed by a C-Lister like that. Hell, Copperhead clearly had him on the ropes and would have finished him off without Deathstroke's intervention. I'm all for a vulnerable Batman, but generally speaking I'd say he actually should be able to take out Copperhead single-handedly.

Also, Geoff, copperheads are venomous snakes, they don't constrict their prey, they just bite it. Although I guess bats don't exactly throw boomerangs, so maybe I'm nitpicking. Also note that Copperhead can't help but lovingly refer to Luthor's brains as "big" - nice character shilling there, Johns.

Anyway, the scene cuts back to Sinestro vs Power Ring. The fight doesn't last much longer, as Sinestro gets as tired of Power Ring as I am.

Geoff Johns really did the de-arm-ifying spot again. Power Ring's ring reports irreparable damage and flies off in search of a new host, evidently unaware that he has a spare arm handy. Sinestro finishes him off, but he dies happy because the asshole ring is finally gone oh boo hoo. Sinestro joins back up with the main Legion of Doom and they start talking truce with Batman. Bats is cowed by all the big-league powerful villains, but seems to convince them to go along with his "Rescue Dick Grayson" plan.

Meanwhile, the Crime Syndicate is at the Batcave, rooting through Batman's stuff. Apparently Ultraman was interested in Batman's kryptonite ring, which is, according to Owlman, the last remaining Kryptonite on the planet. I really think removing Superman's weakness from existence is a bad idea in a lot of ways, especially in a narrative sense. It turns out the Syndicate had no idea Batman was still alive, so they actually believe/d that they killed the Justice League. Then they get word of Power Ring's death, and then...

Yes, he really did the Fleischer Superman thing again. The interesting thing in the sky is some kind of whatever that killed their own reality BUM BUM BUUUUUM

There's not a lot to like about this comic, at least not in my opinion. I find all the characters obnoxious at best. The writing, the plotting, is uneven and even schizophrenic in places. I'm just a regular consumer, too, I'm not an expert and this is the vibe I'm getting:"Dull and idiotic". 

The Senses-Shattering Saga of the Metal Men! Special Edition -- Justice League #28

I figured this would be a great way to get back into the Metal Men groove -- with the first New 52 appearance of the team. Being a Geoff Johns joint, I'm going to try to rein in any inherent negative bias and take a look at this in the most impartial way possible.

The story opens during Forever Evil; Cyborg is consulting Dr. Will Magnus about bringing the Metal Men in to fight the Syndicate and save humanity. Doc isn't sure about this plan, and a flashback to six months ago tells us why...

In some military complex, a general and the Secretary of Defense are picking on the misanthropic agoraphobe Doc, a twentysomething super genius who hates human contact and thinks robots are cool because they're so logical and obedient. He refuses to talk to them or let them into his lab because this is the start of his character arc and that means he has no redeeming qualities yet.

Doc goes about his business, finally ready to put the finishing touches on his Metal Men. He dips the responsometers he developed into vats of pure metals, and what comes out is... surprisingly emotional and full of personality.

The Metal Men are basically the exact same characters they've always been, except for tweaks to Platinum (getting to that in a minute) and Gold. Gold, who I think we can all agree was a rather flat character before, is here characterized as narcissistic and uber-confident. He gave himself hair, for crying out loud. His status as the leader is justified by having him appoint himself to the position, reasoning that he should be in charge because gold is obviously the best metal. Not 100% sold on this, but I don't hate it. Anyway, the rest are very much recognizable -- Tin stammers, Lead is dim and speaks haltingly, etc.

They even do the "talking about the properties of their metal" thing from their earliest appearances. Oh, and I give special mention to Iron, whose personality is the same as ever but comes on a lot stronger

That left panel was like 3/4 of the page before I cut it down, practially a full body shot, just in case you couldn't tell what she was getting at. Two awesome things about the new Platinum: 1. She clearly likes Doc but isn't a goddamn lunatic about it or anything 2. She's called "Platinum". I always hated the nickname "Tina", I mean really. Doc is baffled by all the emotions, unique personalities, and distinct physical appearances the Metal Men exhibit -- this wasn't part of the plan at all. He eventually lashes out and gives us an old-Doc chestnut: "You're robots, you can't feel anything!"

Things go downhill from there; Doc quickly reconciles with the Metal Men but his military employers bust in and demand he fork them over. When it's clear that the military wants to use them as assassins instead of rescue workers, they bust a move and get out of there, only to resurface in Doc's apartment. And then Chemo shows up.

As Do says, Chemo was created with a stolen prototype responsometer. It's not clear who was behind this, but they clearly knew about Doc's work so it was likely someone at the military compound. The Metal Men burst into action immediately, focusing their efforts solely on clearing the area of civilians before anything else. Ultimately, they rely on a Metal Men classic strategy -- a suicide attack -- to take care of the menace.

Doc was touched by the selflessness of their actions - they saved a lot of people from Chemo without ever considering their own safety, and gave their lives to bring an end to Chemo's rampage. In the present, Cyborg pushes Doc about his reasons for not wanting to bring them back -- in the brief time he'd known the Metal Men, Doc had come to care about them, and he isn't willing to lose them again.

I think that's pretty cool; old Doc usually didn't think much of popping everybody into the Metal Recovery Chamber, though the Metal Men themselves tended to act as though every death was final. Anyway, Cyborg manages to convince him to help out because it's what the Metal Men would want.

All told, I'm very happy with the New 52 incarnation of the Metal Men. They're all essentially the exact same characters (except Gold, who let's face it didn't have much of a character in the first place), they do the same things, act the same way, and have the same relationships with one another. The new Doc grated on me at first because I thought he'd stay the misanthropic asshole he was at the start, but we ended up with a version of Doc who thinks of the Metal Men as his only friends and family, who cried when they sacrificed themselves to stop Chemo. In a lot of ways I think it improves on the group as previously depicted -- Platinum seems interested in Doc but is absolutely not a weirdo about it, for instance, and while I admit I'm not crazy about Gold the preening narcissist it's better than the dull "standard sci-fi hero" personality he had before.

I could go on forever -- this incarnation of the Metal Men is the best yet. It's very faithful to everything I loved about the Silver Age version, with all the stupid parts (Crazy Platinum, the nickname "Tina", Doc's awful treatment of Platinum, Doc's paternal detachment from the group, boring Gold, and, most of all, 'Nameless') surgically removed. I'm very surprised at just how much I enjoyed this issue, and I really love what Johns and Reis did with these characters. I know Geoff Johns isn't much-beloved these days, but after this and his great Aquaman run, I'm reconsidering hating him so much. Reconsidering.

What the Hell is up with Forever Evil #4?

Bada-bang, here it comes! Forever Evil #4 wasn't as bad as #2, which is thus far the low point due to excessive quantities of Johnny Quick, but it was still noxious as all Hell. Let me show you why and how.

We open in the Batcave, where I'm still surprised that Johns picked Batman to be the League's only representation in this series. He has a lot of pet characters in the JL, after all. Catwoman's there, too, and it's clear that this is the first time she's been in the 'cave.

I sort of get the Nightwing thing now, it was used to give Batman a stronger motivation for bringing down the Syndicate. Oh, and that's the wheel of a steam-powered motorcycle, by the way. It's not in running condition, illustrating that Batman is prepared but not, like, that prepared. Although a worldwide power outage wouldn't affect most internal combustion vehicles in the first place; didn't Johns ever play Devil Survivor?

Does she really think Batman needs a special toy to handle her? Anyway, he shows off his stuff -- a kryptonite ring, a yellow Sinestro Corps ring, that sorta stuff. We're really treading Infallible Bat-God territory here, but I'm letting that slide just this once because there's nobody else to challenge the Syndicate besides Lex's Legion of Doom.

Speaking of, there's an incredibly idiotic scene where Luthor compares himself to the members of his little team -- he talks about how people see him as a shark over a shot of Black Manta, for instance. 

Ultraman kills Metallo for his kryptonite heart in a fight that isn't even a fight. It was so worthwhile to develop Metallo in Villain Month just to kill him three months later, let me tell you.

Superwoman manages to sneak up on Ultraman and chides him for being paranoid, absorbing more kryptonite than he needs to because he's afraid of whatever destroyed Earth-3. She also reveals that she's pregnant and tries to stoke the Ultraman-Owlman feud by saying Owlman's plotting against the team. Geoff Johns has issues with women, is what I'm getting out of this.

As if Johns were punishing me for my continual disdain for the Power Ring character, he's once again the main Syndicate member in this issue -- Ultraman and Superwoman stop being relevant after appearing in two or three pages, and Grid puts in a token appearance that's still mostly dominated by Power Ring. Deathstorm abandons him and Ultraman charges PR with hunting down the Rogues himself. Power Ring freaks out and demands support from Grid.

The Doom Patrol, do they exist in the new continuity? I know Robotman was in My Greatest Adventure... Whatever, I guess they're established now if they weren't before. Meanwhile, for reasons not that clear, Luthor and his team break into Wayne Enterprises from the sewers. There's a 'cute' little moment between Bizarro and Luthor when it turns out Bizarro is afraid of the dark. And Luthor tells him a story to help him be brave. I stress that I am in no way joking, this is really what happens.

It's the feel-good story of the year! The zany but heartwarming adventures of Luthor and Bizarro! Bizarro finally got his name after hearing that he was called "B-Zero" and mangling it, which I admit was better than having some other character mishear it or something.

This seems as good a time as any to mention that Black Adam's jaw was broken by Ultraman last issue, and so his speech can't be understood by the other characters but is fairly easy for a reader to figure out by sounding out the words. It's mostly identical to how Johns' old Flash villain Murmur talks -- regular words and sentences with the vowels taken out. Apparently a broken jaw sounds the same as having no tongue and your lips sewn together. Or just trying to talk with your teeth clenched and lips half closed.

Luthor and Batman had the same idea, and they run right into each other in the Wayne building.

But before a real fight can break out between them, Power Ring shows up with an utterly random assortment of villains. He also says a cringe-worthy one-liner.

Wow, almost forgot that the Syndicate had every regular villain under their thrall. Especially since Ultraman's spent his last two meaningful appearances beating up regular villains. Incidentally, this is a fairly random assortment -- Deathstroke, Copperhead, Giganta, I think that's Blockbuster, and Shadow-Thief? The connection...? 

From a technical standpoint, you could argue that Power Ring is the perfect Batman villain, as he is nothing if not cowardly (jury's out on superstitious). Of course, it's practically bullying to both be Batman and a Yellow Lantern and go up against him. As a sidenote, Batman is 100% not evil, unlike every other person with a yellow ring besides I guess Nero -- Johns unwittingly pointed out a flaw in his own premise by showing a Yellow Lantern use his ring's powers for good, thus illustrating that the Sinestro Corps probably shouldn't be the mustache-twirling corps of pure evil.

It turns out that, oddly, Power Ring isn't vulnerable to yellow ring crap -- he handles Batman's constructs and even takes and destroys his ring very easily. And then Sinestro shows up.

I was surprised by Sinestro's appearance because I don't know what stake he could possibly have in all this. He probably doesn't care about Earth, for one thing, and I know he was a notable absence in the villain meet-up in #1. Most probably he's just there to help round out the Legion of Doom. That or Johns wants to do the "you killed my beloved -- er, arch-enemy!" thing he did with Black Manta again.

What the Hell is up with Forever Evil #3?

I'm back! Sorry, school had me really occupied for most of the whole last month. I'll try to update on the regular again.

One thing I regret is that this post is pretty outdated by now

The issue opens with a short flashback from Batman and Catwoman, wherein we see the first glimpse of the JL/CS fight. Sort of. It's mostly Deathstorm busting up Firestorm. They're still at STAR Labs talking to Cyborg's dad, and have no useful information about what happened to the Justice League or what they should do next. Somehow this manages to be the most boring part, I don't think anything interesting is even discussed here.

Luthor is having Bizarro dig through rubble for some satellite crap so the end of this issue doesn't seem so forced. Bizarro gives him a flower instead.

This is the only part of the issue that vaguely entertained me, except for one line from Black Manta at the end. I really don't know if I'm that into the "less intelligent Scooby Doo" version of Bizarro here.

Ultraman's fight with Black Adam, hinted at last issue, finally happens. It's really brief, and naturally features the now-ubiquitous use of the "SHAZAM!" lightning bolt as an offensive weapon. I think that's a little tired, but at the same time it's perfectly in Adam's character.

That's seriously up there with "STOP RAPING ME!" and "I'LL KILL YOU TO DEATH!" Surprisingly enough for one of Johns' pet characters, Black Adam is trounced pretty easily by Ultraman, and is left for dead in the ocean. Afterwards, Ultraman calls Grid about Metallo's whereabouts, because he needs to refuel on Kryptonite dust. How is this sustainable? There's only so much kryptonite, eventually you'll crush it all.

Luthor sees Ultraman flying and notes he avoids direct sunlight. The man who had described himself earlier in the issue as "the most powerful mind in the world" hasn't quite put together that Ultraman, whom he saw block out the sun, does not like the sunlight.

Meanwhile Deathstorm and Power Ring shake down the Rogues, who refused to raze Central City for the Syndicate (blah blah Rogues Revenge, "buy this other comic to get the whole story" and other bull). Power Ring is basically the star of this sequence, and it really reinforces my dislike for the character.

See, Power Ring is the most pathetic and dysfunctional member of the Crime Syndicate. This is only natural, because it means that his good counterpart, Hal Jordan, is the best and brightest of the Justice League, a sentiment that Geoff Johns has clung to for years (and that nobody else can relate to). He starts a fight that the Rogues are ready to finish.

I don't really see how this version of Power Ring can really be called "evil" -- he's more "tortured". He feels like a victim to both his ring and Deathstorm. I've mentioned before that of the Crime Syndicate, Power Ring is the most annoying after Johnny Quick and the lamest of the bunch period, but I think these attempts to show more of his character went too far in the other direction -- now I don't really buy him as the evil GL.

Deathstorm removes Captain Cold's powers, talking about it out loud as he does so. Even so, the first thing Mirror Master says after Cold is left powerless is "What did he do to you?" I thought the Pied Piper was the deaf one. The Rogues try to retreat via Mirror Master's mirror powers, but Power Ring flips out and shatters the mirror they were using, sending them all who-knows-where.

Meanwhile, Luthor and Bizarro summon Black Manta, who has recovered Black Adam's body from the ocean. Implicitly he got in contact with Manta via the satellite thing he asked Bizarro for help with earlier. There's actually some cool characterization for Manta here -- the Syndicate took Aquaman from him, stole his revenge, and now it's time for them to pay.

By contrived coincidence, Captain Cold is blasted out of the mirrorverse basically right next to Luthor's little team. I'm sorry, let me count the conscious people here -- Captain Cold, Lex Luthor, Bizarro, and Black Manta? Isn't this a partial Legion of Doom reunion? If this isn't just a coincidence, I'm wondering how they'll get Grodd (who doesn't like Cold but loves what the Syndicate has made for him), for instance, to join them.

And then this is seriously what happens

See, this is the problem with this whole event -- if the Justice League went to Earth-3 or wherever, would the heroes of that world hate them?

Okay, What the Hell is up with Forever Evil #2?

Yes, this has been promoted to a regular feature for as long as Forever Evil continues to be stupid. And right now it's the stupidest comic I've read all year.

Item #1 on the 'wow I hate this' list: Not changing Johnny Quick's stupid conehead costume. It was stupid in the Silver Age, so it was changed for the Anti-Matter version, but not here. Hell, if you'll notice, even Owlman's costume has more in common with Silver Age Owlman than the leagues-better Anti-Matter/Crisis on Two Earths ensemble. 

Anyway, the issue starts with Lex Luthor again, and his narration here isn't that bad. He buys that Superman is dead or at least unable to do anything about the Syndicate taking over, and is looking for something in the bowels of his corporate HQ. Also he meets a security guard named Otis (oh ha ha very cute Johns).

Meanwhile, the Teen Titans, whom I kind of actually like, plot to do something about the Syndicate after the Nightwing identity bombshell they dropped on the world. I sort of wonder what the point of that even was, since they seem to be keeping Nightwing prisoner, though. Then there's a little montage of the destruction across... well, cities in the United States.

Firestorm villains went to Central with the Flash Rogues. Is Firestorm based out of Central City or something? Anyway, it strikes me as out of character for Plastique to bow down to authority, tyranny even, since she's, you know, a terrorist. Anyway, there's also villain riots in Gotham (and the events of 'Villain Month' are no doubt occurring as well); it looks like Johns is trying to push the White Rabbit, because she's front and center. Also, Deadshot and Harley Quinn storm the White House to kidnap the President, his family, and his staff. I don't know if that's really their usual MO...

Back at Happy Harbor, RI., the Syndicate is having a spat because bad guys are bad and don't get along because of their badness. Johnny Quick and Atomica are the Awful Character Finds of 2013; I can't remember the last time any two characters annoyed me this much. They jabber on, with Quick getting an "are you kidding me?" ten word balloons in the double-page spread, and speed off to go cause some mayhem against Ultraman's wishes.

Also some character stuff with Deathstorm and Power Ring, where Johns tries to make them interesting by making us ask questions about them.

It looks like Deathstorm is Prof. Martin Stein, aka the science professor Ronnie Raymond was bonded with as the original pre-Nu52 Firestorm. I don't see how that's analogous to the New 52's Ronnie/Jason Rusch Firestorm, though. And Power Ring's ring seems to be parasitic in some way. Look, I get that it's the evil 'verse, not necessarily the mirror 'verse -- Silver Age Power Ring got his ring from an ancient monk, for instance -- but if you're going to portray Owlman's history as nearly identical to Batman's, up to and including the death of his sidekick Talon at the hands of the good Joker (as seen in Secret Society #1), why make everything else so different?

And I say again, Johns must think it's so damn clever for Power Ring to be a wimpy coward, afraid of his own shadow and not even liking his ring at all. Because fear is what Green Lanterns resist (according to stuff only introduced into the GL mythos by Johns himself)!

Anyway, Grid spouts off his motivation apropos of nothing, before giving Ultraman a location to tend to -- Khandaq. Oh, GEE, I wonder who he'll meet there. There's an extended spat between him and Owlman over their prisoner Nightwing that bored me to death.

Things I know about Superwoman: She is a woman simultaneously in relationships with two different men, and that she is pregnant. And that her pregnancy is making her sentimental. There is nothing else to know about her right now. She has less characterization than Atomica, than Power Ring, than Grid, than Deathstorm -- by far she's the member of the Syndicate Johns is the least interested in. She's less a character than an element in the Ultraman-Owlman feud, whose part could easily be filled by a sex doll. I don't and didn't read Justice League -- tell me Johns handled the much-maligned Superman-WW romance better than this.

There are cops assembled outside the Watchtower ruins, but they're met by Johnny Quick and Atomica.

That's it, go home, everybody. That's my pick for stupidest comics moment of the year. This is 100% exactly like that Let's be Friends Again strip. If that ridiculous 'blocking the sun' plot weren't evidence enough, there it is -- Geoff Johns has the mind of a child. This is the coolest thing you could ever imagine at age 11, which is where Johns' mind has been frozen for years. I say this understanding that he has written good comics with cool dialogue many times in the past, but he has done little in recent years to suggest any other explanation for most of his material.

Also, sort of wondering why the Syndicate has to be killers. I mean, it's not like the  regular Justice Lea... you know what, nevermind.

The Teen Titans show up to fight them off, while Luthor finds his Superman clone B-Zero. He's forced to release it before it's really "done", causing it to be, you know, Bizarro, and tests his loyalty by ordering him to kill Otis. 

Stupidest Thing of the Year Runner-Up occurs as the TT/Johnny Quick-Atomica fight heats up. Well, warms over -- it's the big action moment of the issue but it doesn't really go anywhere. Here's the biggest hit of the fight, and the aforementioned stupid thing.

Stupid, right? Not only that, but pointless -- the next time we see Atomica she pops out of WG's mouth with Cassie looking none worse for the wear. Johns just wanted a tiny woman to do down another woman's throat, and dedicated three oddly-arranged panels to it. Geoffrey, we're here for you, you know that? If you want to talk to somebody, we can get you help.

Think about the mechanics of that, even. Supposing that Atomica can fly (or at least float like Ray Palmer could), could she really do it fast enough to pop into your mouth as you're talking, while saying a complete sentence and a half? Although WG's mouth was open so wide it was more like she was eating an invisible burger.

I admit that what happens next is both relatively creative and interesting -- Johnny Quick can tell Kid Flash is from the future (was that established at some point? It is now, I guess), and messes with the time stream so as to send him back. The ensuing vortex pulls the rest of the team into it.

The Titans are sent to the future, and to be honest I might start reading Titans again just to see where that goes. Meanwhile, Luthor suits up in his classic green'n'purple armor while Bizarro puts on his Superman costume inside out. Hey, check this out and see how loud you groan.

Not only does John actually think that line is cool, he thinks it's cool enough to use two issues in a row, from the same character, changed only slightly. You know, I get that Luthor might oppose the Syndicate, but think about it this way -  if the JL went to Earth-3, would the Good Luthor hate them? Hell, let's go a step further -- if the JL went to Earth-3, would they act like the fascist Justice Lords from the JL cartoon? 

That's the thing about this, these guys aren't even a little equivalent to the Justice League. They ruled the world and are trying to take over another; the Justice League is a bunch of guys who punch bad dudes. I feel like only the original Crime Syndicate got this right -- the opposite of heroes isn't dictators, it's villains. A mirror universe cop is a crook, not a corrupt politician

Whatever, I'm getting off-topic. At STAR Labs, a battered Batman and Catwoman show up with a near-death Cyborg, saying the rest of the League is dead. Does that include the JLD, JLA, and/or even the JLI? No, not Godiva and OMAC!

Bruce, you do know that Cyborg hated his father for years the last time he saved his life, right? I don't know how happy he'll be to wake up with less flesh than ever.

So if I were to recap this issue (or at least encapsulate it further), I guess I'd say Bizarro, Titans in the Future, Batman's Alive. 1. No duh Bizarro was gonna show up sooner or later. 2. Okay, sort of interested, but it's not gonna be followed up on in this book. 3. Are you stupid? Of course he's alive. This issue could have been a post-it note reading 'the Titans are in the future now' and it we'd have learned just as much and been more entertained. DC suspended their regular comics for villain stuff for a whole month to build up to... nothing.

Okay, for real DC, what the Hell is up with Forever Evil #1?

Hey, for the first time ever I'm gonna take a look at a comic that came out this year, this month, just a week ago! I read Forever Evil #1 and just couldn't get behind any facet of it; there's so little to like here in my opinion that I had to talk about it.

That's an oddly random assortment of villains. Oh, sure, the big arches are all there, but Humpty Dumpty and the White Rabbit in the back? I don't even know the one with wings on the far left. And Bizarro hasn't even really appeared yet at all, has he? His villain month issue was about a failed prototype.

Lex Luthor is threatening some guy in a helicopter for no real reason and it's really edgy and dark oh god Luthor you're so cool because you're so ruthless and hateful

That's when a sonic boom caused by what appears to be Superman causes the chopper to crash into Luthor's building. Meanwhile, prisons housing supervillains are being broken into and thereafter out of. By bad guys who remind you of some good guys you may know. They're given coins and told to come to a gathering

 Lex Luthor sees Ultraman break into a safe, crush the kryptonite inside, and snort it. See, it's the source of his powers. I've mentioned before that the original Ultraman got stronger when exposed to anti-kryptonite, even gaining new powers, but as you'll remember, Ultiman also gets his powers from exposure to an alien rock. And yes, I was just dying to bring up the Ultraman-Ultiman connection.

Basically every villain of note to appear so far in the new DC universe shows up at the  ruins of the JL's Watchtower satellite off the coast of Maine. There's a lot of "ha ha ha are you for real" attendees, with the standouts in my opinion being Black Adam, Hector Hammond, and freaking Starro (by way of a human host); I don't buy that any of those guys would be interested in a huge group of villains where they aren't in charge, or in Starro's case, in the affairs of humans at all.

Everyone at the gathering is doing that Contest of Champions, "[a regular sentence], [name of the person I'm talking to]" thing. What the crap is that about, isn't that a device for clumsily introducing a lot of characters at once? These guys have all appeared before, even the Crime Syndicate. And does the Cheetah even know Grodd, for instance? Oh, and even though I saw something about this on Siskoid's blog a few months ago, I was still surprised to see the Black Bison, Plastique, Hyena, and Multiplex were here. 

And let's be honest -- who wasn't chosen for this? They got basically every villain they possibly could, even Starro. They aren't exactly discriminating employers, being picked by these guys isn't a huge accomplishment.

Then the evil Justice League shows up and says they killed the Justice League. 

There's also an evil Cyborg named Grid, who is fully robotic and works behind the scenes. Oh, and I kind of hate these guys as characters, they're either flatly eeeevil or annoying as hell. Anyway, the Syndicate presents trophies such as Aquaman's trident and Superman's cape as proof of their conquest, then introduces themselves before a worldwide audience via the classic "hijacking literally all the airwaves and running on every screen" supervillain trope.

I think it's pretty stupid that there are Earth-3 versions of Firestorm and the Atom but not Aquaman. Well, I heard there was one, with the beard, long hair, and a crab-like claw, who died almost instantly. Still, Arthur's a member of the Justice League, he should be represented in this story arc - Johns is writing this guy's title, for crying out loud. Power Ring can eat me so much -- he's a cringing fearful wimp because that's the opposite of what being a Green Lantern is, so clever. I know the Crime Syndicate never had much characterization besides "crazed tyrants", but look at this. Johnny Quick said it was "cray-cray time" a few pages ago. A tiny woman ruled the world and she introduces herself saying "What is up, y'all?" The only cool thing about these characterizations is that at least Hal won't be the center of the universe for once.

Of the villains assembled, Monocle doesn't buy that these guys aren't just the Justice League in slightly different costumes. So Ultraman proves he isn't Superman by killing him with his eye beams. Oh, man, the real Superman would never do that... which is what we were saying a few months ago when he did that in a Johns-penned issue of JLA. 

Even though I'm reading Nightwing, I can't really bring myself to care too much about the "Syndicate captured Nightwing, exposed his identity to the whole world" thing. Especially since his arch-enemy the Prankster seems to have no goddamn reaction to this development. Metallo and Parasite came to blows over who got to keep Superman's cape, I guess Nightwing's only villain isn't that into him.

The sun starts to come up, weakening Ultraman. He decided to do something (idiotic) about it. Note: this wasn't written by a 6th grader. That's a disclaimer that should go on a lot of Johns' material.

That's another great example of 'cute' Johns dialogue that I can't stand. And eclipses last for a few seconds to a minute or two, since the moon and the Earth both revolve and rotate. Ultraman has the exact same evil plot as Mr. Burns -- to block out the sun -- except here we're actually supposed to take that seriously and pretend like that makes any sense.

It's just, this is so stupid. He snorts kryptonite and is allergic to the sun. 

And Luthor sincerely wants Superman to save him. That's how the issue ends. Freaking...