Monday, December 23, 2013

The Senses-Shattering Saga of the Metal Men! Part 16!

Whoomp-whoomp! More Metal Men action comin' atcha! This is a Platinum focused issue (though you could argue most of them are, she seems to get the plot going more than half the time), again centered around her romantic foibles in re: Doc.

I sort of wanted to skip this one based on the cover, I didn't think there was anything too interesting about it, and then I turned the page and remembered why I was doing this in the first place. Oh, and let's not dwell on the obvious implications of Doc desiring a hot robot woman.

This is probably the most straightforward first-page splash in Metal Men history, and that's a pretty stiff competition. The whole "marriage" element is a little silly -- it's as if Platinum thinks any ceremony without a minister/judge/ship's captain/mayor/Elvis is at all legally binding. Anyway, a familiar scene as the issue starts out: Doc is hanging out with a hot woman, Platinum goes bananas and scares her off.

The other Metal Men follow the seething Platinum, and they see a bunch of Air Force planes stuck in a giant spider web. God, the tonal shifts in this comic can give a guy whiplash.

"The million Mongolian mysteries" is certainly a new one, and I sort of hope that phrase actually saw somewhat regular use at some point in our history. For the record, something tells me Gold is the speaker for that balloon.

Doc and the Metal Men encounter the webs later a few times -- each time they disappear, taking whatever they had trapped along with them. Oh, and Doc has a flying car separate from the flying saucer (or "Jetaway" as it's been called in the last few issues). I sort of wonder what the adult inhabitants of this city think of Doc, I'm sure there's at least one guy who sees him fly over traffic and thinks "Lookit that bum."

Retreating to the lab. there's a silly comical interlude with Platinum making a love potion, and I'm mostly including that detail for this panel of Platinum in an apron. There was also a "downtime" panel with Iron and Lead, of all people, playing chess. Oh, yeah that must have been a real meeting of the minds.

This subplot doesn't really do anywhere, it's just a one-off gag. Not to be improper, but you really have to wonder what Kanigher's deal was with women, there was clearly some kind of dysfunction in that area of his life. That or he watched too much Bewitched. Anyway, the next time a web shows up, Doc decides to just drive into it, reasoning that they'll be taken wherever the other stuff was.

I think "the giant spider web was actually a space warp" perfectly encapsulates the craziness of your typical Metal Men story. The planetoid with all the stolen crap on it is inhabited by robots (duh), but they're all robot spiders who immediately start attacking the people who were in those planes, trains, etc.

The Metal Men are soon overwhelmed and ensnared by the spiders' ruler, a huge 'black widow'. She, as you've no doubt guessed, hypnotizes Doc into seeing her as a beautiful robot woman whom he wants to marry. Why a robot? There's nothing in Doc's history that suggests he's into robots like that, he dates human women very consistently. Eh, it's still hypnosis. And to state the obvious: yes, the black widow's plan is to eat him.

Platinum and Nameless (really) manage to get everyone free by acting like they're into some of the male robot spiders, who dissolve the web to get some girlie action. I'm not joking, Nameless used her feminine wiles (ahaha) -- and this isn't even the first time, if you'll remember the climax of the BOLTS encounter. Maybe it's a robot thing; after all, unique among the Metal Men, she doesn't look at all like a pained human.

After being freed and taking out their captors, the Metal Men have a pretty easy time saving Doc, there's nothing really exciting about it at all. The issue ends with Platinum doing the hypnotic suggestion thing to a still-dazed Doc, because if your crush doesn't like you, brainwashing is the only way to go.

Oh, yeah, that's appropriate.

Incidentally, the "stealing crap from Earth" thing -- at no point is it explained why the spiders were doing that. Well, not directly, it's implied that they might be eating the people inside the buildings and stuff they steal, but it's not stated outright except in the case of the black widow. I bet this is going to make the letter column in a few issues, in any case.

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